20 Dream Cruise Tips For Out-Of-Towners

I thought that while the Woodward Dream Cruise is attracting people from the suburbs it is also bringing outsiders to our fair city, many for the first time.  So it seems only fair that I prepare them to survive the Detroit metro driving experience by offering my own brand of advice.  Therefore, to all you suburbanites brave enough to come into Detroit and you visitors coming to Michigan from somewhere else, may I offer the following:

1. First, if you are not from Michigan, you must learn to pronounce the city name.  It's ‘De-‘TROIT’ , (and ‘Day twah’ only if you are French) ___ NOT,  ‘DEE-troit.  If you pronounce it ‘DEE-troit’,  we will assume you are from Ohio and are here for the tractor pull contest not the Dream Cruise.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules... 
   
   1. Right Turns: Right turns are allowed on red for most intersections – Note, the sign stating “NO TURN ON RED” is located behind you when you are looking for it.
   2. Left Turns: Many intersections do not allow left turns, the Michigan left turn is simple. If you want to turn left:
      1. First, get into the left lane
      2. Then go about a 1⁄4 of a mile past your turn
      3. Make a left as soon as you can
      4. Turn around in the first driveway open to you
      5. Return to the street you turned left from
      6. Now, turn right
      7. When you get back to the intersection where you wanted to turn left in the first place, turn right. NOW you have gone left!
   3. Yellow Lights: Forget ‘em.  If you actually stop for a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cursed and possibly shot at.
   4. Green Lights: If you're in front when the light turns green, count to five before going across the intersection. This will avoid getting in the way of the cross-traffic who just ran their yellow light to keep from being shot.
3. We treat turn signals as optional equipment.  If someone actually has a turn signal on, it is either a factory defect or it’s been on for months.
4. Once a Michigander reaches the age of 55 , we drive our age…..EVERYWHERE.
5. Never stare at the driver of a car with the bumper sticker that says "Keep honking, I'm reloading" ___ he probably is.
6. If you are stopped for a traffic violation during Dream Cruise week you will not curry favor with the over-worked office by sharing “Did anyone ever tell you that you look a lot like that guy from the Village People?”
7. Michiganders believe in the ‘MIGHT MAKES RIGHT’ rule.  Hummers, Excursions and Escalades always have the right-of-way.  Don’t try to rewrite the rule!
8. If you suddenly come upon a sign announcing a lane merging ___ DO SO IMMEDIATELY as there is little chance someone will let you in and you’ll be left to abandon your car and walk.
9. If you prescribe to the freeway safe ‘ONE CAR LENGTH FOR EVERY 10 MPH RULE, forget it, we’ll think you are stuck on stupid and pull in front.
10. Two facts:  Detroit homes are well-armed and many of our freeways are below ground level.  These two facts are related.
11. During Dream Cruise, the two outside two lanes of Woodward are reserved for the classics ….. that seems to include any wheeled vehicle built between 1906 and last week.
12. Streets like ‘Schoenherr  and Charlevoix can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit metro area. That goes equally for ‘Gratiot.  I suggest you avoid mentioning these streets.
13. Freeways have numbers and names – however, if you know the number, the name will be referenced, if you know the name the number will be referenced. GOOD LUCK!
14. Construction and renovation on all major freeways are a way of life here and they can be shut down at any time with you being rerouted through a complex set of turns even your GPS navigator can’t follow. Multiply any expected time of arrival by a factor of 3.
15. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 and I-275 is 85 regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY. 
16. Chirping your tires during Dream Cruise will get you a fine ….. however no one seems to care if you drive full tilt down the center of Woodward while standing up in a golf cart.  Go figure!
17. Make sure you have a full tank of gas at all times so you never run out on a freeway.  Also, that attractive wrought iron you’ve noticed on windows and doors in certain parts of town is NOT ornamental. DO NOT get out of your car to take pictures.
18. Make sure that your car has really good shocks, our potholes have zip codes.
19. If someone tells you it's on Outer Drive, you better get a map.
20. And if you’re driving up 94, those two weird arches over Telegraph ___ Don’t even ask, we don’t have a clue either!

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